Can it Be Worse?

New Years Eve 2017! Following yesterday’s post I realized I had forgotten some things. I have started a part two, but yesterday became a day of hell! Part two will wait. I need to write this.

This all happened on Dec 30

My Queen and I went to an upscale mall yesterday. She had two gift cards for the mall that were given to her from her boss. One was for five years service and the other for ten years. (We don’t go to this mall very often.) the total sum of these two cards was $750 and she hoped to get a nice pair of warm dress boots along with a nice lightweight but warm jacket.

It took the whole amount on the cards, but she was successful and we left the mall heading home looking forward to a day of relaxation.

Now the night before we had taken our son to see the movie “Jumanji” and after viewing the film went to dinner. It had been a good evening. We had hoped all our daughters could have been there with us, but we kept having to change the date to accommodate our son. Finally that night wasn’t good for anyone else but it was the last night we had. Still it was a good night.

Back to yesterday–we were on our way home and my Queen called him. He was pissed–it was 1:00 in the afternoon and he was drunk.

Some background: my Queen and I have a blended family. I brought two older girls (aged 10 & 7) into our union, while my Queen brought a girl, 4 and our son, 2. Our son is now 17. He was diagnosed autistic around the age of 4-5. It is mild autism but it still has made life more challenging. He used to be scrupulously honest, but has forgotten what the truth is. Additionally he is ADHD, has OCD, and has fierce anger issues! Frankly he may have even more problems! He is not a very pleasant person most of the time. He has few friends and doesn’t like school. He has stolen from all of us in the house–including his three sisters. He actually stole his sister’s coin collection and used the money to purchase??? Some of those coins I had bought for her and were worth more than face value. His biological father has mental illness–in fact his biological father’s family is rife with mental illness. Just this summer our son had genetic testing and my Queen decided to have it done too. As it subjectively looked, her genes are fine. The problems exist because of her ex’s genetic makeup.

We’ve been dealing with problems with this boy for years. We’ve called the police on him. We’ve called children’s aid. We’ve had other youth organizations involved with counselling him. He has not been easy. One night the doorbell rang shortly after he had come in. At the time we were having major issues with him setting fires–some just outside our garage side door. There were four police officers who wanted to know if someone had just come into the house (they knew). My son had set a fire in a wooded area near us–a massive fire underneath a tree’s canopy. It was very close to someone’s house and they had called the police. The police helicopter had been dispatched and it had followed our son home. Turns out he hadn’t even put it out when he left. That was another good night.

My son has broken or damaged so many things in our home. We had a 50 inch projection TV that we purchased in 2007–he destroyed it. Our new fridge (2 years old) has dents in it as does our toaster. Our kitchen counters were destroyed so last year we replaced them with granite and he has already chipped the granite. Window blinds, doors, walls. He’s an equal opportunity destroyer.

Our son also does drugs and has started to drink. We don’t drink very much and all of our booze is locked up where he can’t get it. But his genius of a biological father will buy him booze and drinks with him. Our son also pays someone to buy him alcohol. He is drinking on his own and passing out on a regular basis. A few weeks ago he vomited and passed out in his vomit. We almost threw him out then.

This isn’t everything, but it paints a picture. Yesterday when we arrived home at 1:30, he was up in his room. Around 2:00 I went up to speak with him and discovered his bedding in a pile on the floor and the new carpet in his room along with the walls covered in puke. He was so tipsy he was having trouble standing. I started him cleaning and was hoping not to let his mother find out, but she did.

That was the last straw. Now it’s pretty cold up here at the moment. Most recent days have been in the minus 20’s feeling much colder with the wind chill. We didn’t want him to freeze to death. My Queen called a shelter where he had spent a night just before Christmas last year! At the time they had room but they wouldn’t take him inebriated! We were told to call back when he sobered up. They did give us two other shelter options. It was a long and very unpleasant day by the time he was mostly sober he was telling us he hated us, calling his mother a fucking bitch, and me an asshole and bastard, and telling us to fuck off. It was delightful–not! It was now around 9:00. The shelters were full. One of them (the worst one) would put him up for one night in a motel room, but I was afraid to send him there. At 113 pounds, he very easily could be raped there. We finally called his 19 year old sister. She had recently lost her apartment and moved in with a friend. Thankfully she could take him. So we took him to the train and set him off to her place. By the time we got home it was 9:45. Such a great day!!! My Queen broke down and I held her feeling empty and lost myself. Were we doing the right thing?

Dec 31

Yesterday I received my first text from him at 7:05 am. He sent me several texts but I didn’t respond as my Queen was sleeping. I had been awake since 4:45 and couldn’t get back to sleep. Just before 8:00 the phone calls started and I kept ignoring them. My Queen awoke and told me not to answer him. I admit that I am conflicted but did as I was told. We went to church and it seemed like the minister was talking directly to us! On leaving I surprised myself by breaking down as I was thanking her for her message. We received lots of love and many supportive comments about our actions.

The day went on. He started to text and call my Queen. His last text to me was around 3:00–after that all his texts and calls were directed at his mother. The content was heartbreaking and yet we did not answer. We can’t continue to live like we have been. If he comes back, he must be different. He must be willing to follow our rules. At this moment he says he will, but we believe that if allowed back he will revert to old habits! This stop at his sister’s is temporary! I have no idea how long she’ll put up with him. We’re willing to try and help him find a place and access the social welfare he’s eligible to get but he wasn’t very receptive to our offers in the past. Perhaps now will be different!

Today. January 1st

We went to bed at 1:20 and I awoke at 5:00. Went to the bathroom and have been awake since. He is running through my mind. I know I’m not his biological father. Still I have taken him in as my own. I have done my best to raise him to be responsible, honest, a hard worker and to be a person with integrity. The failure is hard to bear. I’m not sure what I/we could have done differently.

Well it’s 10:00 and I haven’t received any messages from him. Not sure if that’s good or bad, but I think it could be bad. This situation is killing me. I just want my kids to be healthy, happy and able to make their own way in life. His decisions seem to be stopping all of the above. We (my Queen and I) must remain strong and together on this. But it is so difficult!

Hopefully 2018 will be a better year! Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

41 comments

  1. Dear Michael – my heart truly breaks for you. You cannot live by ‘what if’s’ but you must believe that whatever you have done to guide love and help him has been the right thing at the time.

    And whatever you do in the future will be what you can at the time.

    Be strong the both of you, love each other unconditionally and somehow you will all get through this.

    My heart sends you both love and strength and endless amounts of courage and hope.

    Miss Agatha x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel for you.

    We have had issues with our eldest as you know from some of my posts .. and before he went to university he did leave home for a while.

    It was upsetting at the time and I wondered why he behaved the way he did/does.

    After he left for university our house settled into a gentle routine. Our youngest is considerate and respectful. He doesn’t keep his room as tidy we’d like but he does chores as he’s asked to. We all rub along amicably.

    Within a few days of eldest being home there was once again tension. We allowed for the settling back in and have had to have a number of conversations revolving around the theme of showing consideration for the others within the house.

    He has improved a little and although he has mental health issues his destructive behaviour is turned inwards.

    I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you or your Queen…but I highly doubt that this could have been prevented in any way. Is sounds like he is just interested in watching things burn.

    I don’t know you or your Queen personally but you seem to be decent hard working people. It would be silly to say you don’t deserve this (I mean who does?) but I am sure that together you will endure it together. If you can hold strong to the belief that you should and your home should be treated with respect then accept nothing less

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry to hear of this situation. It sounds like you are dealing with things in the only way that you can. These conditions will make things so hard to deal with for him and for the rest of your family. Sending hugs and strength to you both ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Michael, I am so sorry. I’ve been through similar with both my own biological son and a stepson and stepdaughter. You’re doing the right thing. Believe me I KNOW how heartbreaking! You and your Queen need to be rocks for one another and whatever happens, stand together and don’t let him drive a wedge between you. Your stepson has used your kindness and the more you give him, the more he’ll take. Sometimes love means letting go….so painful to even write that, but it’s what I learned the incredibly hard way. Sending you love and support for your journey. I’m so glad you have a church family, you’ll need them. You can reach out to me any time as well! Blessings for PEACE in the new year…

    Laura

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words and advice. This has been a watershed moment in our lives. We actually are allowing him back today with much stricter guidelines. At the same time tomorrow I’m investigating alternative accommodations and the social funding he is allowed to receive. He will be on a very short leash and indeed may not make it past a day or so. But this past few days has hit him very hard. He knows we are not kidding around and he has agreed to the new rules. If that agreement disappears, so does his accommodations! Perhaps this is the wrong thing to do but we are giving him this last chance. We may be foolish! But we are both on the same page. Again thank you very much! I really appreciate your comment!

      Like

  5. We have been there and cried a million tears. Our son is now 27 with another baby in the way. He’s still irresponsible, but we don’t let it define us as much. The self-destruction seems to have abated. We kicked him out on New Year’s Eve one year. It was the hardest thing to do. He’s still angry about it 10 years later, but it stopped our roller coaster. He will never grow up, and we must accept that he’s a selfish person. Those hard realizations don’t stop our hearts from breaking and wishing for a different outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I will tell you that the temptation to take the blame is hard to avoid. Like your son, ours has mental health issues we have desperately addressed throughout his life, but genetics are a bitch to overcome. I will keep you both in my thoughts. It’s so crushing to face these realities as a parent and they can eat up our happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. *hug* It sounds to me like you two are doing the only thing you can to keep yourselves safe. Something has to get through to him or he’s just going to continue, and you’ve tried the other options. Hopefully this will change his outlook and behavior, but if it doesn’t, you can’t allow his actions to destroy your lives.
    HD has Aspergers and he went through similar issues when growing up. Not lighting fires or things like that, but definitely violent outbursts and the like. A large portion of his anger came from feeling like no one understood him (and, since Aspergers wasn’t on the radar at the time and autism wasn’t considered, they didn’t.) It took him getting out of this house and becoming independent, coupled with his brain maturing and catching up for things to settle down. Being away helped improve his relationship with his family. He recommends independence (so your stepson makes his own mistakes and has to learn to live with the consequences) and therapy with people who have autism and have learned to adapt.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Michael:
    I’m sorry for you and your queen with this turmoil right now in your lives.
    I can relate to the fact that family is the cause of most of our heartbreak..
    My love to you both while you work this all out. With luck this will make you and your queen much stronger in your relationship..
    D

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sending hugs to you and your Queen, Michael! Such a difficult situation. Only he can make the change, but as a parent, I know you want to do everything you can to help him. You might make AA or NA meetings a condition to him returning to your household (if you decide on that course). Meetings really do help those who want to change, and he might find a sponsor/mentor who could really make a difference in his life. I know it isn’t easy…sending all my love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s